Review By Haiku: Philomath Culture Edition for September/October/November/December 2012

Television

Louie

Depress and depress

and depress and depress then

sometimes make me laugh.

Movies

Django Unchained*
Inefficient but
good by most standards, par-at-
best Tarantino.

Limitless

Would kill to access

the other eighty percent

of my brain with drugs.

Red River

In case you're tempted,

can't grade lab reports while Duke

goes on his manhunt.

Thor

Now, if I'd just watch

the new Hulk movie, I could

see the Avengers...

Serpico 

Think my new rule on

'70s films is just watch

Lumet's, skip the rest.

Groundhog Day

Bill Murray made peace

with rodents, so much so he

taught Phil how to drive.

Jackie Brown*

Heard the argument

this is Tarantino's best.

Heard it can't see it.

Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Not as expected,

much more happens in twilight

of life than I thought.

The Hitch-hiker

Public domain flick,

deserves more respect than its

fellows on YouTube. 

Glengarry Glen Ross

More rain and cursing

than I judged from cover,

crushed expectations.

The Artist

Based on his last line,

it's a wonder Valentin

could converse off-screen.

Night Train to Munich

Cool ending, and Paul

Henreid plays the opposite

of Victor Lazlo.

A Bronx Tale

Game: Look up current

pics of actors who played C,

guess which is in jail.

Extract

Love the idea

of baiting a spouse so you

can then cheat. Wait... No.

Books

1984
Ignore the movie,
read the book. But not in front
of a telescreen

Notes from the Underground 
Even to dabble
in Dostoeyevsky is to
test your own patience.

100 Heartbeats
Reading Jeff Corwin's
travel tales leaves me jealous
if not more informed.

Sports

The Reds broke my heart,

and now I have none, until

next year. Maybe. Nah.

Suck for Luck, strong for
Chuck. Colts only quadrupled
 my expectations.


*Note: Pulp Fiction > Kill Bill Vol. 2 > Reservoir Dogs > Inglorious Basterds > 
Django Unchained > Kill Bill Vol. 1 > Jackie Brown

Epilogue to the Hunt for Red October

The end is more bitter than sweet, but I was relieved to see the worst case scenario (a Cardinals-Yankees World Series) averted.  While hardly anybody could deny that the Reds should have been in the picture longer – at least ousting the Giants in the NLDS to reach the NLCS, if not eventually playing the Tigers for the World Championship – I guess I’m marginally comforted by the fact that the Giants won the whole thing.  More comforting yet was the fact that they came back on the Cardinals, too.

Maybe next year will be better…

As I’ve alluded, there were promising developments this past season: the emergence of Todd Frazier, the hints that Homer Bailey is finally nearing his potential, the ability of the team to not just weather (but excel despite) Joey Votto’s injury.

MY PREDICTIONS (Put Abruptly to Rest):

World Series:  Rangers 4, Reds 2

 Totally off. But at least I picked playoff teams, right?

MVPs: Curtis Granderson and Andrew McCutchen

Taking half-credit for the McCutchen pick because of the third place finish in NL MVP voting and the fact that he was the apparent MVP for a good part of the year.

Cy Youngs: Justin Verlander and Tim Lincecum

Obviously full credit where it's due with the safe pick of Verlander, make that 1.5 for the Philomath.

Wait, what?  David Price?  Oh, right.  Justin Verlander finished a close second.  Rather, make that a clean 1-for-6 after I grant myself half-credit on Verlander too.  Official scorer doesn't rule in my favor, though, so make it 1-for-6 in my head and 0-for-6 for those scoring by the rules of the game at home.

Betting anyone I match or best that line next season.

The Hunt for Red October: A Tragedy

I don't want to say a lot, but I thought maybe there'd be some catharsis in processing a little of what happened in the NLDS last week.  My fellow Reds fans and I are picking up the pieces, and since I made the mistake of really believing in their chances (especially after bringing a 2-0 lead back from San Francisco) it's a pretty sour taste in my mouth.  Anyway, as you'll see, I have at least one more horse in the race.  Maybe I'll follow up on that later and see how I end up, but just a snapshot of my predictions so far show me why I never put money on anything.

MY PREDICTIONS (Revisited):

World Series:  Rangers 4, Reds 2

So my World Series prediction was... wrong.  I did at least pick playoff teams, and even going into Game 5 of the NLDS I made myself believe in the Reds.  Guess I learned my lesson.  Back to negativity, and anything good that ever happens to the Reds in my lifetime will just be a pleasant surprise.  The Rangers finished their collapse a week earlier, and their uncertainty with free-agent Josh Hamilton suggests their door is less open than Cincinnati's.  Maybe I'll have better guesses next year, and maybe I'll even pick the Reds again once my disappointment subsides.  Todd Frazier emerged as Scott Rolen's heir-apparent at third base, sadly emphasizing Rolen's underachievements in the playoffs.  Frazier filled in at first during Votto's injury, though, and the team managed to look good without their star.  He was also responsible for my best memory at GABP this season: with the Reds hosting the Braves in Chipper Jones' last series in Cincinnati, Frazier walked up to the plate to a Sinatra tune and lined a walk-off homer.  The place was electric.

MVPs: Curtis Granderson and Andrew McCutchen

I'm not going to fact-check myself, but I don't think there are any MVPs with averages as low as .232, which was Granderson's line this year.  In the MVP discussion last year, he added 3 more homers (43 vs. 40) at the expense of 30 points off his average (.262 last year).  Not a great bargain.  McCutcheon was actually in the hunt for the batting title and led the NL in hits.  I felt pretty good about this guess but it looks like McCutchen and Posey were trending in opposite directions at season's end.

Cy Youngs: Justin Verlander and Tim Lincecum

With Lincecum pitching out of the bullpen against my Reds and coming of a season leading the NL in losses and runs allowed, I didn't make the safe prediction I thought I did.  Verlander, though, may redeem me.  He looks virtually unhittable in the playoffs, and he's riding momentum that started in the final weeks of the season.   

Review By Haiku: Philomath Culture Edition May/June/July/August 2012

Just a couple mugs after they offed a postal detective (Appointment With Danger, 1951).  Years later, they'd be rehabilitated and serve as poster boys for LAPD's brand of law and order (Dragnet, 1967).

Disclaimer

Writing a thesis

leaves little time, energy

to accrue culture.

Television

Battlestar Galactica
I'm not exactly
flying through, may as well be
a radio show.

Mad Men

Crazy fifth season.
A lot of change but Glen is
still giving rape vibes.

Girls

Even though I find

Lena Dunham's characters

appalling, I watch...

Community

I like this show but
c'mon! Jack Black mixed in with
allusions to M*A*S*H?

Happy Endings

Holy crap this show
cloned me and all my friends. If
I were a Wayans.

Workaholics

They got sex and drugs
minus sex plus sweet bear coats.
Cath'rine Zeta-Jones.

Movies

The Dark Knight Rises

This movie gives three-
hour thrillride and three-day bout
with Bane voice fever.

Captain America
I'd be paranoid
and blubbery, one Super
Soldier Serum hit.

Black Legion
Here you've a film where
Bogart should have made his name
but he didn't... yet.

 Appointment With Danger
Wait, did I just see
Friday and Gannon on the
wrong side of the law?

No Man of Her Own
"Real" Patrice Harkniss
by actress Phyllis Thaxter:
ladies, rest in peace.

The Devil Inside
OK with "horror
documentary" gag then

remembered Blair Witch...

The Whales of August
Crabby old Bette
with sweet old Vincent and old
Lil, cuter than hell.

Tiny Furniture

See the description

of Girls above because, yes,

it applies here too.

Piranha 3D
Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp,
toothy fish rip spring breakers
limb from limb. Deserved.

Battle Royale
With one million ways
to die, time allowed for like
forty bloody ways.

Reservoir Dogs 
Sometimes less is more
and, again, saw how much can
come of so little. 

Books

The Plague
 Camus was so cool
that, translated, still has great
vocabulary.

The Lady in the Lake
Typical Chander,
one part substance, two parts style,
twist, turn, twist, turn, solved.

Batman: Year One
What ever happened
to Sarah Essen? Never
made movies I've seen.

Sports

Reds pulling away,
Votto or not, hope Pirates
reach October too.

B-ball fan, you have
no cable? Check Olympic
synch swimming. Same diff.
  

Time Travel Baseball - Part 4

Line-up: I finally found the Donovans' intended batting order.  It's no Murderer's Row, but they seem to have planned the best they could with what they have.  Unfortunately, what they have is a bunch of Donovans.

No sign of them actually playing any games, however.  It appears the Donovans scheduled games with some of the all-time worst teams in Major League history.  They seem to insist on having a fighting chance since they were/are to such trouble and expense to revive and time-transport a team boasting just a .221 batting average as a group.  I don't know the ins and outs of time travel, so it's anyone's guess why there are no results.  Maybe they are forthcoming.  If they ever show, I'll pass them on. What a shame if they come so close but never play.  For now though, I'll leave you their schedule to look over.  Might get an idea of what bets you want to place, just in case.

Schedule: All series are scheduled for the second weekend of October in the years indicated, three or four games each over Friday, Saturday (occasional double-headers), and Sunday.  None of these are playoff teams, so their seasons will be/were finished by mid-October.

• 2003 Detroit Tigers
• 1962 New York Mets
• 1935 Boston Braves
• 1899 Cleveland Spiders
• 1890 Pittsburgh Pirates
• 1916 Philadelphia Athletics
• 1904 Washington Senators
• 1898 St. Louis Browns
• 1942 Philadelphia Phillies
• 1932 Boston Red Sox
• 1911 Boston Rustlers
• 1909 Boston Doves
• 2010 Seattle Mariners
• 1965 New York Mets
• 1979 Oakland Athletics
• 1969 San Diego Padres
• 1981 Toronto Blue Jays
• 2004 Arizona Diamondbacks
• 1955 Baltimore Orioles

Player-Manager "Wild Bill" Donovan sports the team's alternate away uniform.

Hopefully the team did/will get the chance to wear this get-up in action.

Time Travel Baseball - Part 3

So for nearly two months I've searched and searched with limited success. The newspapers went mute on the subject of the time-traveling Donovans, but in recent days I did manage a few breakthroughs.

No word on how they came to complete the roster, but I did find the rest of the position players and pitching staff in an update to the team website.  First, though, I'd like to share the craziest discovery of all: a file photo (below) which looks like it belongs with a yet-unfound news article.  I'd argue this is a greater find, though, as the picture and its caption unveil a lot.  We get a glimpse at the team uniforms and some indication that the genes carrying my likeness will be well-preserved in the coming generations...

AP PHOTO - Members of the Time-Traveling Donovans baseball team (L to R): player-manager "Wild Bill" Donovan, owner Donovan Moxley VI, and major free-agent addition Patsy Donovan.  The Donovans unveiled their home and road uniforms, while a scruffy "Wild Bill" suggested his new beard would set a "team standard" and he would be a featured player for the team in addition to his managerial role.

From Official Website of the All-Time All-Donovans (www5.donovans.com):

LF: Rich Donovan Berry

Scouting: .188/.316/.219 in the Major Leagues.  Berry was a sparingly-used member of the 1969 Philadelphia Phillies.  His inconsistency at the plate - extremely patient one inning and swinging wildly later in the game - prevented his becoming established.  There was just barely enough Donovan in his name to allow for this opportunity at redemption in time-travel baseball.  

CF (Platoon): "Wild Bill" Donovan, Tom Donovan
Scouting:  Despite only playing 37 career games in the outfield and fumbling one fielding attempt in every ten, "Wild Bill" Donovan will roam center most days for the Donovans.  When "Wild Bill" gives himself the nod on the mound, he will be replaced by the yet less experienced, yet less dependable glove of Tom Donovan.  Tom's 18-game career with the 1901 Cleveland Blues resulted in a .254 average, making him a viable DH candidate or good-hitting pitcher (yes, he'll pitch too) as the situations arise.


RF: Patsy Donovan
Scouting: .301/.348/.355 in the Major Leagues.  Easily the Donos' star player, Irishman Patsy Donovan batted .301 over a 17-year career.  Averaging less than a homer a year, he will likely hit for average and be a base-stealing threat at the top of the lineup.


Pitching Staff: "Wild Bill" Donovan, Dick Donovan, Tom Donovan, Donovan Osborne, "Tame Bill" Donovan
Scouting: "Wild Bill" - otherwise known as team manager and part-time center fielder for the Donovans, makes himself the team's first option on the mound.  Next in line, and arguably more reliable, will be 3-time journeyman All-Star Dick Donovan.  Tom Donovan, Donovan Osborne, and Bill Donovan will round out the rotation.  In order to distinguish himself from his namesake, Bill initialed a nickname clause in his contract agreeing to go exclusively by "Tame Bill" for as long as he should don the gray, blue, and beard.

The Donos' most recent additions - outfield and pitchers - appear in red.

...Stay tuned for the finale, where I share the details of the All-Time Donovans line-up and their team schedule with probable starters.

Factual/statistical information and photographs provided by baseball-reference.com

Time Travel Baseball - Part 2

Finally, I've had a chance to dig a little further into the future of baseball.  I'm referring, more specifically, to the time-traveling baseball team that my descendant is going to found in the 22nd century.  It does a great-great-great grandpa proud...

From Official Website of the All-Time All-Donovans (www5.donovans.com):

C: Jerry Donovan

Scouting: .199/.236/.223 in the Major Leagues.  Jerry Donovan only managed to scrape together 33 hits in his brief 61 game career for the 1906 Phillies, and was therefore no longer among the Major League ranks in 1907 and beyond.  In signing with the All-Time Donovans, Jerry has finally scraped together his second chance after more than a quarter-millennium of inaction.

1B: Fred Donovan
Scouting:  .083/.154/.083 in the Major Leagues.  Though originally a catcher, Fred Donovan is older than Jerry Donovan anyway you slice it (i.e. by date of birth, playing age, condition upon reanimation).  As a result, Fred will be asked to make the transition to first base, both deferring to the younger knees of Jerry and filling a defensive need for the team.  Perhaps it's for the best, as he's likely to take comfort in the fact that his arm should not be a liability.  Fred allowed 5 stolen bases in 7 attempts over his three-game tenure as catcher for the 1895 Cleveland Spiders.  He'll look to get off to a hot start, hoping to break out of his 1-for-13 career slump at the plate.


2B: Donovan Solano
Scouting:  No Major League Experience.  Solano will be facing Major League pitching for the first time, but he carried a  .274/.319/.352 line over his first 4 seasons at Triple-A.  As his slugging percentage indicates, he's unlikely to hit for power (5 HR in 860 AB) unless the Donovans bring along steroid technologies from today back to the 20th century (when testing was far behind our modern HGH concoctions).  Though he spent more time at shortstop, he manned the second base position with a higher fielding percentage in the minor leagues and will therefore be on the right side of the Donovans infield.


3B: Mike Donovan
Scouting: .238/.238/.286 in the Major Leagues.  This will be the third call-up to the Major League level for Mike Donovan, who previously had short stints with the 1904 Cleveland Naps and 1908 New York Highlanders.  Though still unproven, Mike figures to be the All-Time Donovans' best hope for a Gold Glove award, as he never committed an error in his brief career at the hot corner.


SS: Donovan Mitchell
Scouting: No Major League Experience.  Mitchell will fill out the all-rookie middle infield for the Donovans, having been a lifer in the Houston Astros farm system back in the 1990s.  He hung up the cleats after just his first half season at Triple-A, where he batted .282/.342/.437 from the left side of the plate in the Pacific Coast League.  Shortstop was perhaps not Mitchell's best position, but his history as a utility player means he should be ready for the challenge.

The Donovans focused on the front line of defense, building an infield with their first personnel moves.

...For next time, I'll keep my eyes open for any updates on the rest of the roster as it will be built.  Maybe there will be some mention of the press conference foreshadowed at the end of the newspaper article.  I hope they will be able to put this all together, it's far more ambitious than any project I'd try to coordinate.

Factual/statistical information provided by baseball-reference.com

Time Travel Baseball - Part 1

Wow, where do I begin?  You're all going to call me crazy, but I just dug up a great news article from the future that I had to share.  Yes, that future, the one which (to our knowledge) has yet to happen has searchable archival newspaper clippings.  Nothing of great consequence - no war coverage or sports results that would be of economic value, so don't ask - but I found a cool article that essentially proves my great-great-great grandson was (will be?) a big baseball fan just like me.

Have a look at the article:

I KNOW!  I'm going to keep digging, see if I can find out more about how things play out for the Donovans.  My successes are few and far between so far - sometimes searching the right keywords in the right databases is more of an art than a science - but here's another treat to hold you over until I have another big break.

The Donovans logo:

The face on that baseball remind you of anyone?  I must have some scruffy genes to pass on to the coming generations.

Review by Haiku: Philomath Culture Edition for March/April 2012

Television

Mad Men

Zou bisou bisou.

I see they brought creepy back.

By that I mean Glen.

Game of Thrones

I grade papers through

this show each week but I've seen

many strange bosoms.

Dragnet 1967

Jack Webb was the man,

Los Angeles - the city.

That's where he came in.

Movies

The Men

Speaking of Jack Webb,

he was wheelchair bound and young

in Brando's first flick.

Whisper of the Heart

Whoa, slow your rolls kids,

got a bit ahead of things.

You're in middle school.

Columbo

Oh, just one more thing:

Even young Peter Falk looks

like old Peter Falk.

Tower Heist

Alan Alda as

a jerky rich criminal.

Like I believe that...

Death Race 2000

I don't understand

the cult appeal and yet I

totally get it.

Hoop Dreams

Don't make the mistake

of looking up how things went

after, like I did.

Transylvania 6-5000 

I love Ed Begley

Jr. but this movie is

really quite lousy.

Baseball

Reds climbing back up

standings but Ticketmaster

won't let me go watch.

Review by Haiku: Philomath Culture Edition for February 2012

I realized I kind of like carelessly writing Haikus, I'm faster at writing those than my traditional rambling blog posts, I like the vagueness of the messages I can convey, and it's the end of February.  What does this mean?  The stars have aligned for my first serial feature: Review by Haiku!  Inspired 1) by laziness and 2) by the Review by Haiku: Religious Theorists blog entry from early January.

Below you'll find 17-syllable highlights of some of the popular culture/sports spectacles I took in over the last month:

Films:

Night Nurse: Barb Stanwyck

cuddling Joan Blondell in skivvs -

needed censoring?!?

Drive on Blu-ray, yay

So he drives getaway, yawn

Z z Z z Z...

Bridesmaids not too bad

Worth dollar-and-a-quarter

space-age Redbox charged!

Oscars (Feb. 26):

What is Hugo and

why'd it win all those Oscars?

Destroyed my ballot!

Television:

Wow, Futurama

is better than I recalled,

no bad episodes?

Downton Abbey's too

British for my taste but then

again I still watch...

Mad Men back in March,

got caught up over winter,

could I steal cable?

Books:

Done, as you may know,

with L.A. Confidential,

Read my last blog post!

NFL - Super Bowl Village:

Giant crowd, giant

letters, LMFAO?

What is it they sing?

NFL - Super Bowl (Feb. 5):

Nevermind the game,

Louie slept at Papa Johns!

Village hangover!

MLB - Spring Training:

Baseball's on its way,

Reds favored in the Central,

they'll underachieve...

NBA - Pacers vs. Jazz (Feb. 7):

Weird Utah jerseys

up in the Fieldhouse: Okur,

Hayward and HARPRING!

NBA - Slam Dunk Contest (Feb. 25):

Paul George got ripped off

despite the Bird sticker fail

Really, we all lost...