So far I'm having a reasonable amount of success with my new approach to 2012. Maybe you could call it a resolution, but really what I have is a stubborn refusal to succumb to the negative forces that I have identified as my greatest enemies from 2011. We all have negativity that we're stuck dealing with, whether our responses are to acquiesce to it as it builds or search and destroy it. With the flip of the calendar year, I have set to make the transition from the former to the latter.
My major negative forces in 2011 - Fear, Diffidence and Excessive Consideration - all thread together to form the itchiest, most aggravating fabric of the personality that I happen to wear.
Fear has always had a grip on me, big time. It's fear which has dictated a substantial proportion of my actions, particularly crippling fears of confrontation and failure. I can be a totally neurotic mess, particularly over the three-headed monster of school (research/class/teaching), and as any one of those demanding mouths is fed the other two become hungrier and thus more aggressive. The aspect of my school most ignored has been research, which goes fine but has been starved for attention in comparison with the other two. I fear the most imminent deadline at any given time. In 2012, the research finally is the major deadline. Good for it. But I will stubbornly refuse to fear it. In some very real ways I need a successful semester of research, but I've realized in many ways I just don't. I've seen people whose whole livelihoods are seemingly built upon their research. But since I have no desire to place a similarly astronomical level of priority on the research in the long run, I fail to see the sense in fearing for all my life as if it is defined solely by the research for a Masters thesis. I can complete my research and do exemplary work without giving it such power, and in 2012 I will do just that.
In a similar vein, the same fear of which I speak has had tremendous shaping effects on how I regarded myself and others in 2011. I noticed improvements on which I hope to build this year, but as a whole I treated my own health and feelings with incredible Diffidence and operated with Excessive Consideration in my dealings with undeserving situations and people. In either case, I was the major loser because of my backwards priorities. By having blatant disregard for my own physical and mental well-being, I was a total crowd-pleaser in 2011. I convinced myself that I was out of line when I felt compelled to do anything but shut my mouth, work myself to exhaustion, break every rule of sound nutrition and kiss ass as necessary. I valued my own feelings and warning signs less than always saying yes, chasing inconsequential gradebook points in inconsequential classes, and acting like I wasn't miserable for it. My major concerns and considerations were plenty selfish, but they were paid to external factors. Rather than face the consequences of having any degree of self-respect and autonomy in the face of demanding factors and people, I subjugated myself and was prompt, polite, thorough, and downright helpful to faults. In 2012, I won't abandon good qualities like some of these listed, but they will be placed back at reasonable rates of exchange with my personal health and self-respect. If I have to be less accommodating to others in order to look at myself in the mirror, then it's a decision that I can (and others will have to) finally respect.
In 2012, I'm going to inflect not only on years past but also to uncover my true feelings as life unfolds. Where before it has been easier just not to ask, I will be responsible for answering to and achieving balance that incorporates my previously suppressed drives for better physical and mental health. I'll continue to fear some things, I can't become superhuman, but I can level out my responses to fear by not defaulting to diffident and excessively considerate actions.
Ultimately, I know I'm unique neither in my particular set of hindrances nor in the fact that I have room to improve this year. What I hope someone who reads a brief analysis like the preceding is able to take away is the confidence and excitement to identify, describe, and devise solutions to problems of their own. Fear, especially, is a powerful thing, but it's not everything, and I hope folks really take the opportunity that 2012 provides to reflect, inflect, and change their undesired aspects. In my own case, the battle feels demystified and increasingly well-in-hand now that I've acknowledged my most debilitating problems rather than pretending I never had them.
Happy New Year
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