I'm writing off-the-cuff a bit tonight because I can't sleep. Regardless of whatever time this post will claim to publish we just cleared 5am in Indianapolis. I should be asleep, or at the very least working to prepare lectures and grade for my classes.
But tonight, Indianapolis had its 99th murder* of calendar year 2012. My heart isn't beating the same, my lungs are respiring shallow rations of air, and my imagination is kicking around like a ping-pong ball between dichotomous thoughts: peace and violence, peace and violence.
Recently, I've grown extra aware of homicides in the local news. I don't think that the rate is up, necessarily, and maybe it's the change of season that has my mind latching on to the depressing aspects of life. It's overly simple to blame cooler weather, lack of greenery, and shorter days for our problems, but these factors are very real contributors to a dreary disposition like the one I have.
Even so, the first 98 murders did a lot less to keep me up at night. Tonight, though, the crime was reported at a store I've patronized. It was committed even closer to home, along a major street I use and/or cross almost daily. The nearness of the shooting has opened my eyes and my imagination, after they were cracked by an armed robbery (thankfully no shooting) in the same area about a week ago. When I say the same area, though, I don't really mean just any old area. I mean my area. My wife's area, and therefore my family's area. We make our home - our first - in this area. When I clicked on the Google map showing the immediate neighborhood around the crime scene, I found us. And it's not like we were on the edge of the map.
I'm not allowing myself to be afraid to admit that I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of guns. I don't know what they can do, or how they really even work, but I know they can kill me or anyone else. Over 3/4 of the victims on the 2012 homicide list* died by firearm.
I'm afraid of the dark. But I'm so afraid of the light and the attention that it may draw that I sit in the dark while I type.
I'm afraid to talk about it. Yet I'm afraid to sit quietly and pretend nothing is wrong.
I'm afraid of misunderstandings. I'm usually quiet to avoid misunderstandings, even though silence can be as confusing as poorly-chosen words. The following isn't as carefully deliberated as you might expect from me, but this is already a rare post in that it isn't driven by cerebral or witty notions:
I don't expect a potential murderer to read a blog that nobody else reads, but these sentiments are meant for everyone or no one, as it may be. They're even for me a little bit, to remind myself of how humbled and mortal I feel tonight.
Speaking from the side of fear, intimidation is an effective tool. It's one I feel we should leave in the shed, though, and guns and murder are tools that shouldn't even be at our disposal. Why are people content to be the next cycle in history, the next wave of violence, and the next statistic in the crime blotter? Bigger and better movements, interactions, and headlines are so clearly in reach with the right mix of common sense and common decency. People are flawed, but I think it's pathetic to accept such dearths of security, kindness, compassion, and peace as human nature. We are so much more alike than we are different.
We are all virtual clones of one another, yet we play up differences which are dictated by a fraction of a percent of our genome. Beyond nature, even our environments are not without key similarities. With few exceptions, we are all struggling in numerous ways. Not least of all financially. Yet some very knowingly add to myriad suffering when they respond to their stressors with violence. The person perpetrating whatever wrongs they endure is suffering too. Is there no way to see this, appreciate common bonds and shared experiences, and have a meaningful dialogue? How can it be that the answer to the problems is digging ourselves, each other, and our communities further into the pit of despair and disorder?
As I write this and seek catharsis which may not be attainable in such haste, I'm not sure what/where to conclude my plea. I'm left with so many more questions than answers, and I hate to think of how I would take the news if such a crime hit this close to home in any sense other than the geographical. The truth is I'm very lucky but others around me are not, and luck can run out on anybody at anytime even though we live in a world in which we shouldn't need so much luck anymore.
We are the human species, and if we are the top of the top like we think we are we should be able to change our environment to promote security and common goals. We have to stop using the fact that we're "human" as an excuse for doing all the stupid and hurtful things we feel inclined to do, and start using the fact that we're "human" as a standard for responsibility, ingenuity, and compassion that too few of us demonstrate. We are all capable of these qualities and of peace, we should strive to attain them, and honestly we really must in order to pass a life worth living in this country and this world onto the next generation after enjoying it for ourselves.
The fear brings me to a few conclusive thoughts for the night:
I am at times gripped with a fear that becomes increasingly rational, validated, and intense. My life (and its quality) is one among all in this world that depends upon the good sense, kindness, and simple control of violent impulses from everyone around me. I'm grateful, despite many struggles, to have an objectively good life. Despite frequently lacking the ability or initiative to do more and do good with my life, I'm thankful to those who allow me and help me to live it at the standard it meets. I ask all the powers that be - including those around me - for continued patience and opportunity as I seek to better reach my potential to do good for myself and for those around me. I ask for the same patience and opportunity for everyone. Please begin or continue to set aside aggression, greed, hate, ignorance, envy, pride, and all the other counterproductive distractions to human decency so that we can all set aside at least some of our heartache and fear.
*My source appears to be politically biased, but it has a great deal of key data in a simple presentation.
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
16 November 2012
01 January 2012
Fear Should Be Afraid This Year
So far I'm having a reasonable amount of success with my new approach to 2012. Maybe you could call it a resolution, but really what I have is a stubborn refusal to succumb to the negative forces that I have identified as my greatest enemies from 2011. We all have negativity that we're stuck dealing with, whether our responses are to acquiesce to it as it builds or search and destroy it. With the flip of the calendar year, I have set to make the transition from the former to the latter.
My major negative forces in 2011 - Fear, Diffidence and Excessive Consideration - all thread together to form the itchiest, most aggravating fabric of the personality that I happen to wear.
Fear has always had a grip on me, big time. It's fear which has dictated a substantial proportion of my actions, particularly crippling fears of confrontation and failure. I can be a totally neurotic mess, particularly over the three-headed monster of school (research/class/teaching), and as any one of those demanding mouths is fed the other two become hungrier and thus more aggressive. The aspect of my school most ignored has been research, which goes fine but has been starved for attention in comparison with the other two. I fear the most imminent deadline at any given time. In 2012, the research finally is the major deadline. Good for it. But I will stubbornly refuse to fear it. In some very real ways I need a successful semester of research, but I've realized in many ways I just don't. I've seen people whose whole livelihoods are seemingly built upon their research. But since I have no desire to place a similarly astronomical level of priority on the research in the long run, I fail to see the sense in fearing for all my life as if it is defined solely by the research for a Masters thesis. I can complete my research and do exemplary work without giving it such power, and in 2012 I will do just that.
In a similar vein, the same fear of which I speak has had tremendous shaping effects on how I regarded myself and others in 2011. I noticed improvements on which I hope to build this year, but as a whole I treated my own health and feelings with incredible Diffidence and operated with Excessive Consideration in my dealings with undeserving situations and people. In either case, I was the major loser because of my backwards priorities. By having blatant disregard for my own physical and mental well-being, I was a total crowd-pleaser in 2011. I convinced myself that I was out of line when I felt compelled to do anything but shut my mouth, work myself to exhaustion, break every rule of sound nutrition and kiss ass as necessary. I valued my own feelings and warning signs less than always saying yes, chasing inconsequential gradebook points in inconsequential classes, and acting like I wasn't miserable for it. My major concerns and considerations were plenty selfish, but they were paid to external factors. Rather than face the consequences of having any degree of self-respect and autonomy in the face of demanding factors and people, I subjugated myself and was prompt, polite, thorough, and downright helpful to faults. In 2012, I won't abandon good qualities like some of these listed, but they will be placed back at reasonable rates of exchange with my personal health and self-respect. If I have to be less accommodating to others in order to look at myself in the mirror, then it's a decision that I can (and others will have to) finally respect.
In 2012, I'm going to inflect not only on years past but also to uncover my true feelings as life unfolds. Where before it has been easier just not to ask, I will be responsible for answering to and achieving balance that incorporates my previously suppressed drives for better physical and mental health. I'll continue to fear some things, I can't become superhuman, but I can level out my responses to fear by not defaulting to diffident and excessively considerate actions.
Ultimately, I know I'm unique neither in my particular set of hindrances nor in the fact that I have room to improve this year. What I hope someone who reads a brief analysis like the preceding is able to take away is the confidence and excitement to identify, describe, and devise solutions to problems of their own. Fear, especially, is a powerful thing, but it's not everything, and I hope folks really take the opportunity that 2012 provides to reflect, inflect, and change their undesired aspects. In my own case, the battle feels demystified and increasingly well-in-hand now that I've acknowledged my most debilitating problems rather than pretending I never had them.
Happy New Year
My major negative forces in 2011 - Fear, Diffidence and Excessive Consideration - all thread together to form the itchiest, most aggravating fabric of the personality that I happen to wear.
Fear has always had a grip on me, big time. It's fear which has dictated a substantial proportion of my actions, particularly crippling fears of confrontation and failure. I can be a totally neurotic mess, particularly over the three-headed monster of school (research/class/teaching), and as any one of those demanding mouths is fed the other two become hungrier and thus more aggressive. The aspect of my school most ignored has been research, which goes fine but has been starved for attention in comparison with the other two. I fear the most imminent deadline at any given time. In 2012, the research finally is the major deadline. Good for it. But I will stubbornly refuse to fear it. In some very real ways I need a successful semester of research, but I've realized in many ways I just don't. I've seen people whose whole livelihoods are seemingly built upon their research. But since I have no desire to place a similarly astronomical level of priority on the research in the long run, I fail to see the sense in fearing for all my life as if it is defined solely by the research for a Masters thesis. I can complete my research and do exemplary work without giving it such power, and in 2012 I will do just that.
In a similar vein, the same fear of which I speak has had tremendous shaping effects on how I regarded myself and others in 2011. I noticed improvements on which I hope to build this year, but as a whole I treated my own health and feelings with incredible Diffidence and operated with Excessive Consideration in my dealings with undeserving situations and people. In either case, I was the major loser because of my backwards priorities. By having blatant disregard for my own physical and mental well-being, I was a total crowd-pleaser in 2011. I convinced myself that I was out of line when I felt compelled to do anything but shut my mouth, work myself to exhaustion, break every rule of sound nutrition and kiss ass as necessary. I valued my own feelings and warning signs less than always saying yes, chasing inconsequential gradebook points in inconsequential classes, and acting like I wasn't miserable for it. My major concerns and considerations were plenty selfish, but they were paid to external factors. Rather than face the consequences of having any degree of self-respect and autonomy in the face of demanding factors and people, I subjugated myself and was prompt, polite, thorough, and downright helpful to faults. In 2012, I won't abandon good qualities like some of these listed, but they will be placed back at reasonable rates of exchange with my personal health and self-respect. If I have to be less accommodating to others in order to look at myself in the mirror, then it's a decision that I can (and others will have to) finally respect.
In 2012, I'm going to inflect not only on years past but also to uncover my true feelings as life unfolds. Where before it has been easier just not to ask, I will be responsible for answering to and achieving balance that incorporates my previously suppressed drives for better physical and mental health. I'll continue to fear some things, I can't become superhuman, but I can level out my responses to fear by not defaulting to diffident and excessively considerate actions.
Ultimately, I know I'm unique neither in my particular set of hindrances nor in the fact that I have room to improve this year. What I hope someone who reads a brief analysis like the preceding is able to take away is the confidence and excitement to identify, describe, and devise solutions to problems of their own. Fear, especially, is a powerful thing, but it's not everything, and I hope folks really take the opportunity that 2012 provides to reflect, inflect, and change their undesired aspects. In my own case, the battle feels demystified and increasingly well-in-hand now that I've acknowledged my most debilitating problems rather than pretending I never had them.
Happy New Year
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